Never Stop Right Before the Finish Line!

So, I was at the gym this morning. (That, in itself, is a victory for this once home-bound, totally introverted, sit in the dark and worry about my son – kinda gal.) Anyway, this isn’t a gym you walk into, alone, and sneak to a treadmill in the back (hoping no one comes in) – no, THIS is a gym where you sign up for an hour time slot that day and you’re in it, with strangers (at first), trying your best to pay attention, learn the moves, while NOT loudly breathing (and sometimes swearing) in front of the class. The structure is motivating, and to be honest, when I got over my initial ‘no clue what I’m doing’ phobia, I realized having other people and a “coach” (for lack of a better term) was exactly what I needed to push myself further than I ever would on my own.

This morning was typical; a little less sleep than usual due to my son’s recent relapse, (so recent I haven’t even had a chance to blog about it yet). So, I’m on this “ski” machine (which I hate by the way), basically sprinting to 500 meters. This thing whips my butt every time, and as I’m watching the counter get closer to that 500 mark, I’m really feeling it. Heart rate up, losing breath, everything that’s supposed to happen when you’re pushing yourself in a workout. The harder it feels, the slower I go, until at around 450 I stop for a few. Literally maybe 5 more pulls and I’d have finished but my mind screams at me to STOP because, well, it was hard! lol

That’s when the gym owner, our “coach guy” tells me “don’t stop right before the finish line.” He says never do that because it sets a precedent in your life that you quit when the going gets rough. You don’t push through with all your strength to finish strong. And that got me ta’thinkin’ …

It’s obvious addicts have trouble crossing finish lines, that’s no secret, we’ve ALL seen it in our own children. We’ve watched them struggle forward, pick up steam, even get to a sprint at times, just to quit before the finish line. And if you’re like me, because I’ve learned to be content with far less than the best, your focus is most likely on the picking themselves back up when they fall, rather than EVER crossing that finish line. I mean what does that line even look like? Sure I’ve seen it in recovering addicts helping others, with families and lives, but do any of you even see that for your adult children at this point? Do you keep that hope alive by knowing one day they WILL recover?

I did, but I realized after this last relapse, the way I’ve felt, the way it’s affected me, that I had allowed myself to give up on him. I quit. Instead of seeing the beautiful life all of this CAN lead up to, I saw the older, alcoholic homeless man, begging for change on the corner. I saw his grave. Strange thing is, I realized that’s my go-to reaction when things get hard. Sure, emotionally it seems easier to not “dream” about a life that may never happen – but, in reality? That has made these last couple of days even harder. If you’re a regular reader of mine, you’re familiar with Pull it out by the Roots – something I was reminded of in the gym this morning.

Good growth is NEVER easy. Good growth; the kind that changes your whole way of being the parent of an addict is scary, gritty, and exhausting. It would be easier for us to hide at home, hide our secrets, our demons, keep lying to our families and friends, keep giving to and helping our children, not let people in, “pretend” and just survive for another 5 years, and then another (because in this circumstance, the truth is rarely convenient) … but we KNOW that won’t help our kids, right?

So, when you’re having a bad moment, when your mind is screaming at you to just send the money or bring them home, with all the guilt and shame and regret I KNOW you carry, just remember, the finish line for our kids COULD be right around the corner, but we’ll never know if we stop just short of it. They need us at our best if they have any hope of recovering.

You got this girl ~ Shelly