I’ve often wondered why it’s been so difficult for me to trust my decisions when it comes to my son. Why I seek the “right” answer to any and every situation that arises between us because I just don’t feel confident in my “in the moment” decisions. But then I realized, therein lies (part of) the issue. There should NEVER be in the moment decision-making when dealing with an addict. For me, a well thought out plan is a must have. Setting boundaries with a certain amount of monetary help, or paying a certain bill, or bringing over groceries, whatever it is I decide to help with, needs to be very specific, very scheduled and made very clear to him.
Does this mean he won’t come up with a million reasons why he needs more, or start asking ahead of time with the rhetoric “I need it now instead of on the 15th” or “I’m literally starving mom, can’t you just order pizza?” He has and does and will have what sound like legitimate needs, stemming from no one hiring due to Covid, to lack of transportation, to no I.D. I’ve even heard “I can’t work there, they do drugs!”
So what do you do when you’ve read the books, or went to Alanon, or talked to a gal who’s been there, or to your therapist – you’ve started your plan for what you’re willing to help out with, as long as your adult child is doing A, B, & C – OR – maybe your plan is to help out no matter WHAT your adult child is doing. That’s okay too. After all, it’s not our job to police them. Remember, we can’t fix them. We can’t control them. It’s not really even our business what they’re doing (if we’re practicing a healthy detachment).
For me, I am willing to grocery shop for him and drop it off to him twice a month (within a certain budget). Even when he’s working, this is something I enjoy doing as a mom. It is HIS job to send me a list of needs before that date. If he forgets something on the list, he will have to wait until my next store trip in 2 weeks. If he forgets to send me a list period, I will NOT be buying him groceries (that has happened!). If he doesn’t plan properly for enough food, he will be without until the next trip (or figuring something out himself).
THIS is what addicts need. They must be made to do for themselves what we are always too eager to do for them. Somewhere along the way, we’ve lost sight that these adults CAN do these things. They haven’t shown us, or their bad choices keep them from it, but they CAN. So make them or THEY suffer the consequences. It’s not easy. It took me setting boundaries and giving in; setting more; talking myself out of it; trying again; falling for an excuse, feeling sorry – BUT, I kept trying. After years of this, I am here now. Not perfect, but better 🙂
I know you can do this mama!
Mama in Pain 