(A story from “The Big Book”, some words changed)
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drug we use as that as an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years, in spite of friendly warnings (no real harm done). Up to this point you would label him as “foolish” or “wild” having strange ideas for fun. His luck runs out and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. But, he is hit again and fractures his skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley breaks his arm. He tells you that he has decided to stop jaywalking for good, but in a few weeks, he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continued promises to be careful or keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work. His wife divorces him and family and friends ridicule him. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in a mental asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire truck and breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?
You may think the illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted addiction for jaywalking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where drugs or alcohol are involved, we have been strangely insane. It’s strong language, but isn’t it true? [end]
It’s interesting how this story affects different people. Some roll their eyes, seeing it as an excuse. Others feel some sympathy for the addict, having realized it may not be as easy as “just quit already.” People in my position, the parents or close loved ones, have mixed feelings. If we are in the enabling cycle, this story is an “I told you so” moment for our doubters. (Hey, I’ve been there.) Bailing them out of all consequences, running to their aid, providing shelter (be it in our homes or paying for a place), doling out hundreds, if not thousands of dollars over a period of time – all of that is easier then watching them suffer; easier then our friends, colleagues and even family hearing that our “Johnny” is homeless or in jail or missing (again). After all, we KNOW they “can’t help it”. We know something HAS to be wrong for them to continue this.
But, when we finally begin “our” journey of figuring out the best way for us to love an addict, we hear this story in a completely new way. It no longer promotes the feeling of sympathy for my son, but empathy instead; and empathy is a powerful thing. It allows us to forgive all the hurt and lies and chaos that HAS happened and approach all that is yet to come in a much more meaningful way. Not only will your interactions (or lack there of) improve, but doesn’t it make sense to at least try a way that has a chance at helping your addict (while vastly improving your own peace of mind)? Let’s face it, the former “way”, albeit it easier for US, never helps THEM get closer to sobriety… and possibly wanting to help themselves (which is the ONLY time it can get better).
So what are you waiting for? Don’t waste one more minute in this meaningless cycle (as we too are like the jaywalker) – begin your journey of peace and maybe, just maybe, you will see the change in your addict too 🙂
Stay Strong ~ Shelly
Mama in Pain 