We Didn’t Cause it
Most of us have heard our adult child defend their using with statements like “I only use because of the way you treat me”, or “I use because I’m always worried”, or “You don’t love me, that’s why I use”, or “I’m not using to get high, I’m just trying not to be sick”… When we hear so many excuses, it becomes difficult to separate fact from fiction. If the addict hits upon something we feel guilty about (which they are SO good at), we find it difficult not to believe it as truth. Addiction isn’t caused by our family problems, our actions or in-actions, what we’ve said or haven’t said, or how we appear. Addicts might blame their using on the people they love, but they use because they have a disease. It’s that simple.
We Can’t Control it
Even if we CAN admit we didn’t cause the using, on another level we may still feel responsible. Although we try everything, the addict still uses. We attempt anything that makes sense and much that doesn’t. Yet we refuse to give up, because, as parents, that’s the one thing you never do -right? Sometimes all we can say is ‘the one thing we didn’t do, was give up on our child’. But, when we finally surrender, we realize we only gave up on our futile struggle against an incurable disease. Then, we’re free to focus on what we CAN do something about, rather than trying to change what we CAN’T.
We Can’t Cure it
Addiction is a progressive disease. If we didn’t cause it and we can’t control it, then the responsibility to find an answer HAS to fall on the addict. Until the addict has a desire to stop using, words, money, and treatment are all wasted efforts. While we are unable to cure addiction, we can change our own attitudes. When people in the addict’s life change their own thinking, the entire situation can improve. Knowing that we didn’t cause the illness, and can’t control or cure it, we learn to let the addict face the consequences of his or her actions. We detach enough to not be overprotective or cover up for the addict. We stop making excuses to friends and family for their behavior (others usually know what’s going on anyway). We learn to not let someone else’s using, interfere with our own plans. We do our best to accompany our detachment with compassion – to be understanding of the disease and everyone affected by it.
This is a page from “Alanon” that I felt led to share today. It’s my go-to reading whenever I need to be reminded I’m doing the right things for myself AND my son. As the parent of an addict, our internal way-of-being that has been ingrained in us our whole lives, is questioned. How CAN I feel joy when my child is in pain? How DO I lay down to sleep peacefully, not knowing if my child even has a bed tonight? How can I enjoy warmth and love and family around a Thanksgiving table not knowing if my child is hungry? If you’re a parent reading this, your natural response is “You can’t”, right? Believe me, I understand it.
Give it to God
BUT, I promise you, if you take all the energy you’ve been putting toward an impossible situation, all the time wasted trying to change the unchangeable, help the unhelpable, control the uncontrollable, you CAN do those things. It’s not easy and being a mother never ever goes away. Your child will always be with you, in your mind, in your heart … but that doesn’t mean their life choices are YOUR problem. You HAVE to be able to give this pain and guilt and constant worry away. You can’t walk through life with it crowding everything else out or you’ll have no room for joy and peace and true happiness. I choose every day to give my son to God. Every morning when I wake up and every night when I lay down. I physically lift him to God and trust that whatever is happening, whatever will happen, is all in God’s plan for his life and I need to be selfless enough to NOT interfere.
I’ll be praying for you all. God Bless – Shelly
Mama in Pain 