There’s something to be said about the old adage, “we create what we fear”. When it comes right down to it, our way of being in this world is driven by fear … fear of rejection, failure, never being “as good as ____”. Add a child into the mix and we experience a whole new level of fear. Here’s this person we would give our own lives to protect, yet some of us are left watching, not able to save them.
Back when I was stuck in the constant co-dependent chaos an addict child brings, I used to use the analogy of being in an ocean. I’m on a raft with my parents, my husband, Dylan’s dad and extended family. Dylan is out in front of us struggling to stay afloat, trying to make it to the raft to save himself. I’m frantically running around looking for a line to toss him, asking anyone who would listen, “what should I do? what should I do?” Everyone has a different, conflicting answer:
“Make him do it, he can!”
“Throw him something!”
“Jump in and get him!”
“He needs his ass beat for even being out there – he knows better!”
“Eh, he’ll figure it out.”
Is there anything in life more fear-inducing than being in a life or death situation and not knowing exactly what to do? That’s where I find myself right now. Terrified of what’s to come. What has always happened at this point in his recovery … treatment and sobriety for a few months …
My fear got the best of me last night. It was one of the worst nights I’ve had in a while. Fear of not knowing what to do. Fear of emotionally being pulled in to help him “some”, but of being pulled under (again) WITH him. Fear of the pain I feel watching him spiral. Fear of the gut-wrenching feeling that my “no” means he’ll be out on the street, alone, using, and being hurt, possibly dead. My fear of what HAS happened is driving my response to him now.
Today, right now actually, I’m reminding myself what HAS happened is different in one very important way … me. I have changed and grown and learned from each one of those “before” times. I KNOW what I need to expect from him. I KNOW the best thing to do – yet I’ve gone against my better judgement before – more than once – ALWAYS regretting it.
So, if you’re still reading, thank you. Thank you for being a part of why I started this blog in the first place. Sometimes, trying to be a light for others is the light WE need to wade through and out of the fog of fear we’re lost in.
Keep shining 🙂 ~ Shelly
Mama in Pain 