How do YOU feel when the phone rings? Is it like any other call … check to see if it’s spam before answering? Not a BIG deal, more like a “WHO is calling and not just texting?” lol
I remember those days, even though they feel like a lifetime away. Now, ANY phone call sends my heart into overdrive. I can be having a perfectly normal, peaceful day and BOOM, a phone call pierces through my serenity like a shot in the dark; at least until I see who’s calling. Normally, it’s obvious spam or someone I know; so my racing heart slows and I continue on. Then there are “those” area codes. Typically in the same state that I know my son is currently either residing in treatment, or living on the street having left treatment. At this moment, it’s California – and although the calls have been good, my mind can’t help but to expect that inevitable down turn.
There are three tones I’ve worked on as the parent of an addict that have really helped ease some of the pressure, anxiety, and constant worry . . .
The RING Tone
This will seem simple, but sometimes the most obvious answers are light years away from us. I changed my ring tone to a more cheerful, lighter sound. That way, when an unprogrammed number calls, it doesn’t automatically sound like a screeching alarm bell. I also found that any ringtone that once brought bad news needed to be deleted all together. That particular ring tone could never be used again. It just triggered my anxiety to hear it.
The OUTER Tone
The other tone I changed was my own to my son. It took me a while to be able to tell him ‘no’ in a loving way. Let’s face it, when telling an addict no, you usually aren’t met with acceptance, at least not at first. There’s an argument coming, a persuasive speech, a manipulative “whoa is me” break down, ANYthing to get you to change your mind because, well let’s be honest, you usually do. We are essentially re-parenting our kids, some as adults, and teaching them how to treat us. This does not come easy. I had to dig deep to find the empathy for my son and his current situation. Even though he had put himself there, even though he had messed up, once again, and I was bursting with anger and disappointment, or fear, or just plain “this AGAIN?!” – I HAD to find that empathy for a person who struggles to love himself enough to just ‘get it together’ – I let him finish his thought, take a deep breath, tell him how sorry I am for his current situation, that I love him so much, but will not help him out of it. I no longer let my anxiety and fear drive my responses to him. ANGER is an outward expression of anxiety, fear and frustration. I had to learn that I was not angry with my son, I was afraid for him.
The INNER Tone
The last tone I’m in the process of changing is the tone I use with myself. This is the hardest one! Until I started paying attention, I had no idea just how critical I am … to ME. So when my brain starts going down the “guilt” path, which is usually triggered by my lovingly telling Dylan no, I HAVE to stop it. I question myself, my way of being a parent to an addict ALL the time. My confidence in doing the right thing is always waning. For a long time I said “if a professional, who knew exactly what to do would just tell me how to handle this, I would do it!” The problem is, short of having a professional drug counselor or therapist walk through life with me, there’s just no way for that to happen. The key for me has been books. I’ve read all I can find. I keep one on my night stand so when the anxiety-fueled inner voice starts, usually before bed, I grab my book and begin to read. It not only distracts me, but reiterates to me what I already know; that I did the right thing. Saying no (with love), forcing my son to figure life out (like the rest of us) is the ONLY way he’ll learn to stand on his own two feet. And THAT’s the greatest act of love a parent can give.
Mama in Pain 