That’s the thought I carry with me daily.
So when a co-worker notices I’m not quite as “smiley” or my husband comments “you seem a little quiet today”, THAT’s the thought that sits on my tongue, heavy, wanting me to let it out in a shrill SCREAM in their direction.
But, like most “mama’s of addict children”, fear won’t let me.
You know, the fear of the lurking emotion just beneath the surface that we all have? What will happen if I let it out? I mean who in the world is equipped to hear that from ANYone? “My son might die today.” Think about that. No one knows what to say when that bomb is dropped on them. So, to spare them the awkward moment, and to spare myself the jaw-dropped face staring back at me if I WERE to explain what’s been happening in the reality of my life, I usually smile and mutter some excuse like, “hmm, I must be tired.”
The reality is, the parent of an addict faces this struggle every single day. The phrase “you’re only as happy as your saddest child” means we’ll be walking in hell right along with them. Maybe not physically there, (for some of us), but emotionally, our minds are at a constant tug of war between helping and worrying; what we want to do and what we need to do; Anger and forgiveness; Blame and regret; Guilt and Love; Right and wrong.
It. Is. Hell.
That’s why we need each other.
Mama in Pain 